Joke Thread

[ljw2k]

I thought it might cheer a few people up and create a Joke Thread.

I will start off with I'm Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it’s still October for goodness sake!!!

Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!

 

[Old Timer]

If I drive an electric car,
do I need a current license?

 

[Shockwave199]

Hospital administrator is giving the queen of England a tour of the 1st floor of the hospital. As they walk by a room they see a man jerking off. She says oh my God, what's wrong with him? He says the man has a very serious medical condition. If he doesn't do that at least five times a day he could explode. He could actually get seriously injured. She says oh my, okay.

As they're walking by a room on the 2nd floor they see a nurse giving a man oral. She says oh my God, what's wrong with him? He says, the same thing as the guy on 1 only this guy has better insurance.

 

[samplenhold]

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this...that fly never knew what hit him.

 

[samplenhold]

A man asked his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied "I'd take half and leave you".

"Great" he said. "I won $12, here's $6...have fun"

 

[samplenhold]

Therapist: "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?"

Husband: "To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers."

 

[Shockwave199]

Guy goes into a dentist office and says I think I'm a moth. Dentist says what? Guy says I think I'm a moth. Dentist says, you have mental problems, you need to go see a psychiatrist. Guy says I know. Dentist says you're in a dentist office- what are you doing here, why did you come here? Guy says the light was on.

 

[Old Timer]

In my many years I have come to a
conclusion that one useless man
is a shame, two is a law firm,
and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

 

[Old Timer]

If you don't read the newspaper
you are uninformed, if you do
read the newspaper you are
misinformed. -- Mark Twain

 

[Old Timer]

Suppose you were an idiot. And
suppose you were a member of
Congress. But then I repeat
myself. -- Mark Twain

 

[Old Timer]

I contend that for a nation to try to
tax itself into prosperity is like a
man standing in a bucket and
trying to lift himself up by the
handle. --Winston Churchill

 

[Old Timer]

A government which robs Peter to
pay Paul can always depend on
the support of Paul. -- George
Bernard Shaw

 

[Old Timer]

A liberal is someone who feels a
great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off
with your money. -- G. Gordon
Liddy

 

[Old Timer]

Giving money and power to
government is like giving whiskey
and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

 

[Shockwave199]

Guy comes in and sits down at the bar and says what's the monkey for? Bartender says don't ask. This goes on for about two hours and finally he says alright I'll show ya, Bartender opens the cage, the monkey jumps out and the bartender takes out a baseball bat and hits the monkey over the head with it. Monkey pulls the bartenders pants down and gives him oral sex. Guy says WOW. The bartender says yeah, you wanna try it? Guy says yeah but don't hit me so hard.

 

[ljw2k]

"Go and have a look at the size of the shit I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it, it's a good two pounder."

Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."

I said, "It's on the scales."

 

[Ssayer]

Joe Biden for President

(C'mon man, if that isn't a joke, I haven't heard one...)

 

[Shockwave199]

There's a Black man, a Jewish man, a Mexican man and a bigot sitting on a park bench. The black man sees an old lamp under the bench and rubs it and a genie pops out and she says oh my god thank you, I've been in there for 2,000 years. I'll grant each of you anything you want.

The black man says I would like all the black people to be able to go live in Africa and the beauty of that land in peace and harmony and wealth and have no problems.

Genie; poof, done!

She says to the Mexican fellow you're next. He says I would like the same thing- all the Mexican people to be able to go live in Mexico and the beauty of that land in peace and harmony and wealth and have no problems.

Genie; poof, you got it!

She says to the Jewish fellow you're next. He says I would like the same thing- all the Jewish people to be able to go live in Israel and the beauty of that land in peace and harmony and wealth and have no problems.

Genie; poof, you got it!

She says to the bigot, you're next. He says let me get this straight, the Black people are in Africa, the Mexicans are in Mexico and the Jews are in Israel? Genie says that's right.

Bigot says I'll have a diet coke.

 

[Podagrower]

My Grandpa told me.
Kiddo, marry yourself a fat woman with tattoos.
That way, you'll have heat in the winter, shade in the summer, and moving pictures all year long.

 

[ljw2k]

I fitted a strobe light in our bedroom which makes the illusion the wife is moving when having sex with her! and while the wife was out I swapped our bed for a trampoline, she hit the roof when she found out

I've just put all my old dogging gear up for sale on Ebay if you're interested.
I haven't had any bids yet but I've got 40 watchers.

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I
masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two
gorgeous brothers."

I rang the incontinence society yesterday.
bloke says " can I ask where you're ringing from?"
"The waist down" I replied.